Coming out in the classroom: How much of their lives should teachers share?
A local teacher sent me a link to a fascinating Huffington Post essay by a California teacher about how she told her middle and high school classes that she was a lesbian and the fallout from administrators, even in the San Francisco area.
The teacher who shared the link noted:
I sincerely hope that Georgia principals would not forbid such an important, relevant discussion in our schools, especially considering how many suicides have been associated with homosexuality and bullying lately. That being said, it does bring up an important ethical question for teachers. When it comes to lifestyle — religion, political affiliation, sexuality — how much should a teacher reveal? Is it unethical to avoid discussion on these matters?
It comes back to a fundamental debate in education. If schools are businesses, who are the customers? Parents (who may not want their children exposed to differing views and opinions), or the society as a whole who demands at least the opportunity to debate such matters (thus requiring exposure)?
My children have had several gay and lesbian teachers. I live in a community where there doesn’t appear to be any repercussions to the teachers. (Teachers may feel differently.) However, I haven’t heard of gay and lesbian teachers focusing on their relationships in the classroom setting — any more than straight teachers bring up their personal relationships to students.
For the most part, I have found teachers limit discussions of their personal lives and their families. I have the same question as the teacher who sent the link: How much should teachers share with students about personal areas of their lives?
I have a friend who never told her high school students that her younger brother, a college student with clinical depression, committed suicide. She simply explained that she was flying home for a family funeral and left it at that. In retrospect, she wishes she had told her students as it may have helped those struggling with depression themselves.
Here is an excerpt from the Huffington essay by Jody Sokolower, which begins with the experience of a middle schooler asking her if she was married. (Take a look at the entire essay if you have time.)
“Well,” I explained in what I hoped was a calm voice, “I have been with the same partner for a very long time, but we can’t get married because we’re lesbians. My partner’s name is Karen, and we have a daughter. She’s 9.” Immediately, everyone had questions and comments.
“Are you for real?” “How could you have a daughter?” “How do you know you’re a lesbian?” “That’s gross.”
“Right now we’re working on Africa,” I said. “But I want to answer your questions. How about this? You think about appropriate questions, and tomorrow we’ll save some time to discuss this. I’ll bring in pictures of my family to show you.”
Twenty minutes later, as we walked back across the yard to our portable, my afternoon class came running toward me. “Is it true you’re a lesbian? Will you talk to us, too?” I repeated my request that they think about appropriate questions and agreed.
That night I collected a few pictures of myself with my partner and daughter, cooking and hanging out at the playground, and one of our extended family. I also thought about how to explain this in a way that would be appropriate for middle schoolers.
I decided to say I knew I was different when I was in middle school and high school, but I didn’t know what was wrong with me. When I was young, no one talked about being lesbian or gay — the whole subject was silenced. Later, I was lucky to be in college at the beginning of the women’s movement and the gay liberation movement, so when I realized I was a lesbian, I had lots of support. I met Karen when we were in our early 20s, and we have been together ever since. When I first told my parents I was a lesbian, they were really upset, and that made me feel terrible. But eventually they realized that it is just part of who I am and that Karen is a wonderful person. I’m glad that now it is a little easier to come out than it was when I was young, but it still takes a lot of courage.
I also set clear parameters in my mind about what kind of questions I wouldn’t answer: nothing about sex, and nothing that felt deliberately disrespectful. And I found wording in the social studies standards that I could use to back up my decision to do this. The next morning there was a note in my box to go see the vice principal. “I hear you’re planning to tell your class about your sex life and show pictures,” he said. “I forbid you to do that.”
“I’m not talking about my sex life,” I told him. “I’m talking with my students about what a lesbian family is. I promised them I would explain and answer their questions if they’re appropriate, and I’m going to do that.”
That day I spent about half an hour in each class telling my brief story, passing around the pictures, and answering questions. Several kids told me that their church says homosexuality is wrong; I simply acknowledged that I know many churches have that perspective. One of the kids asked a question about lesbian sex — not a disrespectful question, but a question. I said it was a good question for a sex education class but not something I could discuss. Everyone else had relevant and engaged questions or comments.
The next day I received a letter from the principal, telling me that she was putting a formal complaint in my file. I also received emails from several teachers offering support and encouragement (including two from teachers who told me they were gay but asking me to keep their secret). There were no complaints from parents. I contacted my union representative, who sent a letter to the principal and to my file supporting me.
–From Maureen Downey, for the AJC Get Schooled blog
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220 comments Add your comment
HS Math Teacher
January 16th, 2012
6:12 pm
GOOD MOM: If I sold you for what I thought you were worth, I’d lose money.
V for Vendetta
January 16th, 2012
7:18 pm
HS Math Teacher,
Way to respond to criticism. You can’t even defend your provincial and antiquated viewpoint. So you attempt to belittle myself and Good Mom–who, for the record, I have vehemently disagreed with on numerous occasions, but she is spot on in this case.
Answer me this, HS Math Teacher, Lee, et al. If a male or female teacher had a photo on his or her desk of his or her same-sex partner, would that be ok? If a student asked who it was and the teacher casually replied “my partner,” would that automatically send the student’s mind into the homosexual gutter? Does a teacher have that right? Or do only teachers who subscribe to your allowable lifestyle have that right? Let me be frank:
The ONLY reason that a person has to find fault with homosexual relationships is based on religion. There is no logical reason to disagree with the idea of two consenting adults of the same sex enjoying a loving relationship. So . . . you can either admit to yourself that you wish to force your arcane, mystical beliefs on others who don’t share them, or you can admit that homosexuality is harmless and doesn’t affect you in any way.
HS Math Teacher
January 16th, 2012
8:27 pm
V for Vendetta:
YOUR QUOTE/QUESTION: Answer me this, HS Math Teacher, Lee, et al. If a male or female teacher had a photo on his or her desk of his or her same-sex partner, would that be ok? If a student asked who it was and the teacher casually replied “my partner,” would that automatically send the student’s mind into the homosexual gutter? Does a teacher have that right? Or do only teachers who subscribe to your allowable lifestyle have that right? Let me be frank:
Let’s see…about the picture on the desk of a male teacher’s boyfriend: In San Fransisco, and maybe some parts of Hotlanta, or in any urban place where people are “enlightened”, it probably wouldn’t generate much controversy. However, as I stated earlier in another “asinine post” (your description), I still don’t think it would be WISE, if you wanted to make sure your job is stable. If you want to make waves, and be a crusader for gay rights, then knock yourself out. If you’re teaching in a small, rural district where 90% of the men wear camo and chew tobacco, and about 95% of the population (Parents, Administration, Faculty, and Students included) attend one of the 5 churches in this 3-red light town, then I would think it would be career-suicide for sure…if not something worse.
Now, let’s look at the other half-baked question you asked: “If a student asked the teacher who that was in the picture, would it automatically send that student’s mind into the “homosexual gutter” (YOUR WORDS)?” Hell, son, what do you think? From MY EXPERIENCE as a Father of a son (whose grown with a family of his own), as a high school teacher, as a coach, as a young red-blooded high school kid, and as a football player, I can safely say …YES!!!!!!!
Another one of your wiz-bangers: “The ONLY reason that a person has to find fault with homosexual relationships is based on religion.” “There is no logical reason to disagree with the idea of two consenting adults of the same sex enjoying a loving relationship”.
Using absolute words like ONLY is pretty much a stretch in that statement of yours, don’t ya think? Yeah, that religion is a bad thing, isn’t it, Vendetta. Boy, were you molested by a priest, or something like that? I’ve read enough of your venom-spewing posts to realize that you detest organized religion, and liken believing in Christ with believing in Santa Claus, or the Tooth Fairy.
But wait….here’s another brilliant quote from you: “So . . . you can either admit to yourself that you wish to force your arcane, mystical beliefs on others who don’t share them, or you can admit that homosexuality is harmless and doesn’t affect you in any way.”
I don’t FORCE anything on my students except a few classroom rules, proper respect and behavior, and the state standards in math. My central point in all my posts has been that a teacher needs to stick to his or her subject area of expertise, and not try to get off-topic and talk about being gay, or anything else that takes away from subject learning, and could create controversy. That was my original post. Yes, I stated that teachers should keep their PERSONAL lives in a closet, and do what the state is paying them to do…teach the subject material from bell-to-bell. You can’t even make a sensible, moderate statement without being harangued by all these gay-rights activists on here.
I personally think you were hollow on the inside, but at some later point in life, got filled with manure.
V for Vendetta
January 17th, 2012
9:30 am
Calm down, HS Math Teacher. Take one of your pills.
HS Public Teacher
January 17th, 2012
11:47 am
@HS Math Teacher – It seems that you think it is okay to have “separate” rules, one for heteros and one for homos. Don’t you think that this rings of the “separate but equal” stuff tried back in the day? You know, the stuff that was ruled unconstitutional?
Also, why do you call people “gay-rights activists”? Are they really just looking for “human rights” for all?
For one, I don’t think we should treat anyone differently, period. If you think it is okay for a female teacher to have a picture of their husband and child ANYWHERE in the class, then I think that it should be okay for a lesbian to have a picture of her partner in the same location.
If you think that is okay for a teacher to answer the question from a student, “what did you do over the weekend?” with “My husband and I went to the movies,” then it is okay for a lesbian to respond, “My girlfriend and I went to the movies.”
Finally, if you have found some teacher magic to totally separate yourself from your students – and that means to prevent them from ever asking about your life at all and also to somehow make yourself totally invisible in the comunity entirely – please share! For one, I attend football games, basketball games, etc., and just cannot help but be seen by my students and have them strike up conversations with me.
Missing the point...
January 17th, 2012
12:44 pm
@Fred – apparently, you didn’t read the excerpt from the original article all that carefully. And I quote:
“That day I spent about half an hour in each class telling my brief story, passing around the pictures, and answering questions.”
Don’t know how much clearer that could be…that’s more than just displaying a picture of her family or mentioning her partner to students who may ask about her personal life. Before you go jumping off the deep end, maybe check to make sure there’s water in the pool next time.
Missing the point...
January 17th, 2012
12:51 pm
@Good Mom – you fail to explain how I leapt over the common sense table. Nowhere in any of my responses did I question the teacher’s right to share that she is a lesbian with her students. The question – again – is whether it was right for her to use her salaried time and half an hour of each of her classes, as stated in the excerpt from the original article, to talk at length about herself, her personal life, and her sexual orientation when she should’ve been teaching on whatever topic/curriculum she was hired to teach. How that “leaps over the common sense table” I don’t follow. You’re very quick to speak up for the teacher’s rights, but what about the student’s rights or the parent’s rights? Why no thought to what’s best for them?
HS Math Teacher
January 17th, 2012
1:28 pm
My apologies for getting angry and confrontational. Mom..and Vendetta, I always go away feeling ill when I spew venom myself. I’m just getting old, and I’m hanging too tightly to the past. I’m glad there are folks like you who will speak for the minority, or for those who face adversity every day in life.
Missing the point...
January 17th, 2012
1:43 pm
@Jorge – I don’t see how a teacher’s sexual orientation bears any importance or relevance to their job, so it seems unnecessary for any teacher, whatever their religion, race, sexual orientation, etc. to spend half of their paid time to explain themselves to their students. That’s not what the teacher is there for. As far as topic goes, I would be annoyed if one of my children’s teachers used half of the class time to talk about their marriage situation, upcoming surgery, religion, or choice of political candidate, especially when it has nothing to do with the topic about which they’re currently learning. I’m not a teacher but I certainly wouldn’t commandeer half of an hour-long meeting at my place of work to discuss my personal life with coworkers. It’s selfish and a poor use of mine and other’s time.
The students in this case did not have the option of whether or not they wanted to participate in a discussion of the teacher’s personal life – they were captive and forced to listen for half an hour as the teacher answered questions about herself. Some students may have wanted to hear and participate in the discussion, others might not have, and still others probably could’ve cared less. The students weren’t give a choice, the parents weren’t given an option and it seems to me the teacher overstepped her bounds as an educator by choosing to “educate” her students on a topic that benefited no one but herself.
Sick of this subject
January 17th, 2012
4:38 pm
If activist liberals continue to go down this road and make parents and students of all religious faiths feel offended by teaching that the tenets of their faith are wrong and intolerant, the religous faithful will abandon the public schools and home school or create church schools. You may at first think, “Good riddance!”, but you need to think again. It very likely will destroy the public school ideal; that we can commonly teach our multiculural society reading, writing, mathematics and about our democratic Constitution,without teaching the controversial religious ideas that can be discussed at home or church. The fewer children who attend public school, the less willing citizens are to contribute tax money and they will lose public support. Actually, this is already happening. The curriculum of a public school should be limited to commonly agreed upon objectives that help us see what we have in common and remains respectful of the diversity of religious opinion in our society.
bu2
January 17th, 2012
8:54 pm
@Goodmom
6th, 7th and 8th graders have no clue whether they are gay or not so it is ridiculous to talk about them needing to know about this. Any bullying is not because of sexual orientation. Middle school bullying is no different than 3rd grade bullying except a little rougher.
In general, there’s more hatred of religion (or religion that doesn’t correspond to one’s own) than any other form of hatred coming from these posts. What’s sad is those that claim others are bigoted or close minded can’t see it in their own comments. Its the situational ethics that seems to apply in common culture. Ethics and good behavior only applies to those you disagree with.
HS Math Teacher
January 17th, 2012
10:18 pm
HS Public Teacher:
I didn’t state any “rules” for teachers, but I did mention suggestions for novices on how to keep your job, not cause controversy, and to keep from making the teacher’s podium a bully pulpit for one’s causes or off-topic speeches, rants, railings, and so on.
If you want to put a picture of your same-sex partner on your desk, that would PROBABLY work out in an urban setting at a large high school. If you’re in a little town south of the MACON-Dixon line, or up in the mountains of north Georgia, I don’t think it would go over so well. Teachers are people, and they can do whatever they want. However, if you want to keep your job, and do an effective job teaching, which is what we’re being paid to do, then you need to consider where you are, and to do what works. In other words, just use common sense. Some teachers don’t have a lick of sense, and those are the ones who get pushed out, and go from school-to-school like a tumbleweed. I’ve been at one school for a couple of decades, and have been married to the same woman for about the same time period, so I know something about creating a stable environment at work, and at home.
I’ve been at many athletic events as a coach, and as a fan, and I have never had a kid come up to me at a noisy game and ask me about my private life. I’ve had many of them come up and shake my hand, just to say “hey”. I don’t sit around and talk to kids at games. I usually sit with my Wife, or with other friends from work. I’m friendly to kids, but I’m not their buddy. I keep it professional. Yes, there are times when kids want to know where I went to college, and stuff like that, but I keep it light and short, and get back to business. My life is pretty ordinary and conservative, so I don’t have to worry about rocking the boat, and making waves.
I don’t have anything more to say about this. I’m pretty much talked out. I probably won’t come back on this topic to read any follow-up you may have, so don’t go to too much trouble with the typing.
I didn’t proof this, so excuse any errors. I’m not a very good writer either, so excuse that too.
Cindy Lutenbacher
January 18th, 2012
6:06 am
Wish I had the time to read all the comments, but so far (in page one of five), I’ve seen no mention of the kids who are themselves gay or lesbian. For me, that’s one of the most important matters here: kids who are not heterosexual need to know that there are homosexual adults in their lives who have happy, fulfilled lives and are not in hiding. I applaud the teacher. She was completely professional, principled, and authentic. All the comments about “sex life” are missing the point.
Truth in Moderation
January 18th, 2012
8:48 am
@Cindy
Principled? According to whose principles? The teacher was told by her authority not to spend the class promoting her lesbian lifestyle. Also, did her children have a say in being raised without a father? Just where did those other chromosomes come from? My neighbor volunteered to be a surrogate for her BROTHER. He and his partner went to the “doctor” to pick out donor eggs. They had a data base with genetic characteristics of the egg donor. The twosome selected eggs with hair and eye color to match her brother’s partner. My neighbor later gave birth to HER OWN NEPHEW! The sperm donor was her brother. They didn’t stop at one. Two years later, she gave them another child. Interestingly, as a condition of her cooperation, they had to sign papers stating that if anything happened to her brother, SHE would get custody of the children.
OF COURSE THE TEACHER’S PRESENTATION HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX!
Ole Guy
January 18th, 2012
5:19 pm
As has always been my suspicion, I must live on a completely different planet. First and foremost, this ‘topic integration” is a complete fallacy. I, as a teacher, am here to teach ONE subject, and ONE subject only. Subject X from this time period to the next; Subject Y after that…PERIOD! OBVIOUSLY…no, make that EXTREMELY/MOTO OBVIOUSLY…this topic integration thing, evidenced by the far-less-than stellar academic performances throughout the last umpteen years provides BLARING n’ GLARING evidence that this “philosophy” is nothing but an abject failure. Yet, somehow, the educational gurus…yes, the ones who spend their entire waking (maybe even sober) hours ensuring that the educational machinery continues to cost taxpayers far more than it should, and FAR FAR more than the social benefits of an educated work force…continue to press toward PROVEN FAILURES…failures in teaching philosophy, failures in teacher management, and GUARANTEED FAILURES in the futures of the younger generations who are being hung out to dry in the ill winds of future doom.
WHEN are those, within the educational circus, gonna stop playing games with themselves (color that one any way which depicts nothing but self-gratification among the upper echelons of this educational circle jerk) and start thinking of the kids who will be left to wander around the vast wilderness of nothingness long after they have been in safe retirement?
Judging from many of the comments I have seen, these issues are either far too complex for too many readers who prefer to squak n’ squeal over mundane bs…or they simply…contrary to the “whats best for the kids mantra…do not care.
Keep on mixing topics…teach math, social studies, and underwater basket weaving all at once. This approach to education reflects the same ole fast-food approach which leads to nothing short of indigestion and a slovenly approach to life.
GOOD JOB, PEOPLE!
gradgrind
January 19th, 2012
11:01 pm
If disclosing one’s “sexual orientation” in a matter-of-fact, age-appropriate way is too personal for classroom discussion, then I hope never to hear that broken record, “My husband… My new baby… My due date…”. Seriously, straight people wear this one out. I actually had a young professor, recently married, who managed to work the phrase “My husband…” into every other sentence all semester.
I teach adults (college). It is my responsibility to inform students that it is NOT okay to use the word “gay” disparagingly, as in “That’s so gay.” It is also my responsibility to create a safe environment for ALL my students, including the obviously gay students from rural areas who need moral support from places other than a barroom. When GLBTQ students are stalked on their own campus by professional bigots posing as “preachers,” snickered at behind their backs in the hallways or dorm, or otherwise made to feel less than fully human because of who they are, someone needs to stand up for them.
Even the most secure and well-adjusted LGBTQ student will internalize a series of negative experiences over a semester and fall prey to suicidal urges. I speak from personal experience.
I want my students to know that they are not alone and that they can find safe people and places on campus. That includes professional counseling–not to change one’s sexual orientation, but to honor and protect that person’s precious human self from the effects of living in a deeply homophobic society. It also includes the support of like-minded peers, meaning other students and members of the university community, who can provide moral support and camaraderie, study groups, advice, and a social network.
And just for the record, I also support my straight students who wind up single and pregnant at 17 their first semester, whose boyfriends are abusive, or whose children’s needs occasionally interfere with parental class attendance.
In the end, it’s about respect and support, regardless of differences. It’s about building community.
gradgrind
January 19th, 2012
11:15 pm
Oh, BTW…
I do not have a “lifestyle.” I have a LIFE.
My “lifestyle” involves teaching, reading, writing, home repair, dogwalking, gardening, travel, voting, and spending time with the straight members of my and my partner’s families.
My “lifestyle choices” involve organic foods whenever possible, recycling, exercise, fuel conservation, and, I hope, moving to a progressive state very, very soon.
Kinky, I know.
Truth in Moderation
January 20th, 2012
1:30 am
“That includes professional counseling–not to change one’s sexual orientation, but to honor and protect that person’s precious human self from the effects of living in a deeply homophobic society.”
A fellow home schooler and member of our group is married with four children. She is, by her own account, a former lesbian. Would your opinion of her be considered heterophobic?
gradgrind
January 20th, 2012
1:50 am
@TruthinModeration: I figured it would take about half a nanosecond to get a response like that. Still, I’ll answer your question, which I note you phrased in the passive voice. “Be considered heterophobic” by whom?
Are you of the opinion that we do not live in a deeply homophobic society?
Do you believe that generalizing from the particular is not a fallacy?
Truth in Moderation
January 20th, 2012
2:22 am
You failed to address my question. You revealed your own “phobia” towards those who change their sexual orientation. You play the victim card well. You never consider the consequences of “designer” children and their stolen heritage.