Bravo

By now we all know who won:

1. A Feature in Food & Wine Magazine
2. $100,000 in perfume, undergarments, Zhu Zhu pets, pressure cookers and other assorted items from Macy’s
3. $125,000 in cash from the Glad Cosa Nostra of Products
4. A chance to hand out precious nibblies to women in fur-lined cowboy hats and torquoise pendants within sight lines of Cher’s house at the Aspen Food & Wine Classic.

Yes — sob! — that guy.

I know, I know. I’m here to recap, not to curse the stars, so let’s whip through this recap in a disgruntled hurry, shall we?

As the show opens, Kevin is sitting at the table in his luxurious resort and spa with a Voltaggio sandwich.

“I wonder what Jennifer’s doing?” he asks.

“Probably detoxing,” quips Michael.

The dudes talk, they button their jackets (”for the last time,” says Kev), they pack their knives and they report to a vineyard.

Padma the Banged (I am, of course, referring to her hair style) and Tom greet the finalists with meaningful looks. They are to prepare a three-course meal — the first course to be constructed from a box of identical ingredients; the second from whatever they like; and the third a dessert. They will serve this feast to a who’s who of the nation’s top restaurateurs at Cyrus in Healdsburg — a restaurant that has earned two Michelin stars.

“This meal can make your career,” says Tom.

But, wait, there’s more. Do the chefs need help? Suddenly all the defeated contesting come filing out of their hiding place among the rows of vines like escaped prisoners to American tank drivers on V. E. Day.

There’s Eli! And Ron! And Ashley! And Robin!  And that girl who had all those scabby lip piercings! What was her name? Jesse. And she’s a blonde! Cool!

Jen, as the last to go, gets the honor of carrying the Knife Block of Destiny. The chefs must each pick two knives bearing the names of the defeated, and these will be their sous chefs.

“I might just slit my throat with the knife if I end up with a couple of these people,” Mike says sotto voce. Mean, but can we blame him?

Bryan draws Jen and Ashley. Score.

Mike pulls Eli and Jesse. Partial score.

Kevin? Preeti and Ash. Uh oh.

Not only that, but Kevin is not at all pleased with his mystery box. Pacific rockfish, Dungeness crab, Meyer lemon, kabocha squash and matsutake mushrooms? All in one dish? Puh-leeeeeze.

The chefs install themselves in the Cyrus kitchen. Fumblefingers Preeti cannot cut the kabocha into the shapes Kevin wants fast enough, so he has to take on the lion’s share of work. “I lost half my prep time,” he grumbles.

Mike looks at his mystery box with some alarm. What can I make with all this hoo ha, he wonders. Fish-crab-squash-mushroom squiggles? Wait! What about deconstructed fish-crab-squash-mushroom squiggles! The judges will love that.

The three finalists head back to the resort and spa to plan their second day of cooking when there’s a knock at the door. Is it “Padma with a curveball,” as Kevin guesses?

Kevin's mom, Cathy

No, it’s mom. And…mom. The mamas Voltaggio and Gillespie are at the door. Kevin lets loose with a few tears when he sees his mom, Cathy.

Mama Volt has to carefully show her battling boys that she doesn’t prefer one over the other.  There are equal hugs for  good boy Bryan and little Mikey who, we find out,  wouldn’t eat anything as a child. No broccoli, no Life cereal, nothing.

Come morning, Mom Volt buttons her boys into their jackets an says, “It’s like sending them off to their first day of school again.”

Mom Gillespie tells her anxious son, “Be the real you. Be the real Kevin.”

Okay, and…pause…sniff…verklempt!….just a moment….better.

We see some family pictures and then it’s back to the fleur de sel mines.

But before the chefs can get going with their menus, Tom appears to throw the anticipated curveball. Now that the moms are here, create a dish based on a childhood favorite.

It is also a super-high-stakes challenge, and Padma will be naming her child after the winner. Good luck!

Bryan goes for tuna noodle casserole, which he reinterprets through the magic of  “Top Chef” as sardines with potatoes.

Li’l Mikey hated broccoli, so he commits the ultimate crucifer violation and dehydrates it for some fancy prawn dish.

Kevin recalls that his mom loved the skin of fried chicken more than the chicken itself, so he makes sheets of it to be set over squash casserole sauce and roasted tomatoes.

The rest of the meal? It has already been so thoroughly dissected on this blog and elsewhere that I feel no need to rehash it.

The show ends with Michael — his eyes as inexpressive as ever, his voice that pitchless monotone we know so well. He turns to the camera and says, “I didn’t know you could feel every single emotion at the same time.”

So it ends.

Here’s to you,  Michael Voltaggio. Now, will you please be nice to your brother?

And here’s to you, Bryan Voltaggio. And Kevin Gillespie! Jen! Other Jen with the seitan! Eli! Hector! Pin-mouth girl! Maligned Robin who is not Eli’s mom! Pretti of Google! Eve from Planet Michigan! Ron of the tropical fish piles! Ash and Ashley, boy and girl! Monsieur Mattin who cornered the market on kerchiefs! Various other cooks I no longer recall!

I want you to know you’re all Top Chefs in my book.