Time to “unfriend” someone on Facebook?
A co-worker recently told me about his decision to remove someone from his Facebook list of friends.
The two weren’t close anyway, he explained, but the turning point came when his “new” friend made snide remarks about an “old” friend.
Minutes later she was banished to some cyber no-friend zone.
Facebook is great for sharing information, staying connected and meeting new friends. But if someone doesn’t speak to you in the hallway, why should you be friends online?
Jessica Yadegaran writes in the Contra Costa Times about her experience “friend pruning.” It used to be about the numbers. How popular are you? How many friends can you amass?
“Now our pages are oversaturated, however, and we’re craving a little peace and privacy,” she writes. “As such, friend pruning and unfriending have taken over as the latest behaviors on social networking sites such as Facebook, LinkedIn and MySpace.”
Most social networking sites have some process in place to limit who gets to see your information. On Facebook, for example, you can choose not accept someone’s request for friendship. On micro-blogging sites like Twitter, you can control whose updates you receive and when.
Do you find yourself censoring what you say? If so, maybe it’s time to be more selective about who you befriend or how many people following you day-to-day.
Have you ever unfriended someone? What was the fallout ?
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57 comments Add your comment
Lisalu
March 17th, 2009
12:55 pm
I’ve only “unfriended” one person. It mainly had to do with the fact that he updated constantly and posted tons of stuff, none of which interested me (we were merely acquaintances). Even after I clicked on the option to receive less stories about this person, I was inundated with his updates. So he was “unfriended” and I doubt he noticed – being a college kid without about 500 other friends.
webboy
March 17th, 2009
1:04 pm
The design of Facebook isn’t good when it comes to stopping the onslaught of crap coming from people who think every person on Facebook should attend their event. Since the developers at Facebook don’t seem to know how to give us the option of not receiving event notices, I’ve had to de-friend someone before for this reason.
HCCynic
March 17th, 2009
1:35 pm
I have recently “unfriended” a person on Facebook. After speaking to her at some length on the phone, and getting to know her, I determined she was “unstable”, and could not be trusted as to what she would post on my page next. Therefore, she was “unfriended” and her phone number deleted from my cell phone.
Nate
March 17th, 2009
1:40 pm
I go through phases where I’ll amass friends, then “prune” a bit. If I don’t talk to you regularly, what’s the use in maintaining the friendship, regardless of how easy it is with Facebook? The problem? As a young professional, many of my peers are still stuck in the quantity over quality phase. I unfriend them, and then friend requests flood my page as they come back. It’s an ongoing process, to say the least.
@natesaul
tjmartin
March 17th, 2009
1:44 pm
I have “unfriended” a lot of people, like 150-200. There has been absolutely no fall out as most of those removed I haven’t spoken to through any medium (online, person, etc) in years. A couple have come back and re-friended me which is fine. It used to be about how many friends you had, now not being in college the ability to keep in contact and inform good friends about my life is the new priority. As such people I have no connection with anymore have no business knowing my business.
LDCO
March 17th, 2009
1:48 pm
I treat Facebook as I would a person who I would let in my home. Do you let every person in your home that knocks on your door? No. They have to be connected to someone or something to which I belong. In addition, some of these “friends” are getting into people’s hard drive and what not reeking havoc.
K
March 17th, 2009
1:53 pm
this one app on facebook called Tribal Wars requirers you to be friends before you can have someone join your Tribe. so because of this you have people you don’t even know joining your friends list and now someone you don’t know has access to your information. the game is fun, but that one rule makes it not worth the time. And for that reason I have de-friended a few folks.
kristin
March 17th, 2009
1:58 pm
I defriended an inlaw after they posted anti planned parenthood and other prolife agendas on my facebook. I prefer to keep in touch with people I’ve known through the years and keep the conversation light then engage in political debates.
Nina
March 17th, 2009
1:58 pm
I had to unfriend a minor acquaintance after he kept making cheesy comments about all my pictures. He would say stuff like “Your eyes are like endless crystal pools…” UGH. Besides making me want to vomit, many of my family members could read these stupid comments too. I quickly deleted all the comments and gave him the boot.
sb
March 17th, 2009
2:05 pm
Some people have very strong religious or political beliefs that they insist on braying all over the social networks- can’t stand it. They don’t notice when you drop them.
Scoutmma
March 17th, 2009
2:07 pm
no, but I have IGNORED a friend request based on the fact that the person is a pedifile – just because I graduated high school with you does not mean I want to be your friend.
Di
March 17th, 2009
2:11 pm
I haven’t “unfriended” anyone but I have limited what I can see from a few people. The new home page makes that easier to do. Of course, I don’t have hundreds of friends on facebook and haven’t been on it for years like some people.
John
March 17th, 2009
2:11 pm
I have defriended twice because of the endless garbage that these two insisted on posting and sending repeatedly. I was not close to either person and I never heard from either.
DAN
March 17th, 2009
2:13 pm
OH YES…FRIENDED ALOT OF PEOPLE WHO SHARED MY LAST NAME, AN UNUSUAL ONE…APPARENTLY THAT IS ALL WE SHARED AND i gave em da boot!
stilldefiant
March 17th, 2009
2:14 pm
I recently defriended a few people on Facebook. I never understood why someone would send YOU a friend invite (not the other way around) yet never speak or comment. What’s the point? Currently, I have a decent number of people who I talk with on a consistent basis vs. people lurking to find out the latest info.
Bob
March 17th, 2009
2:16 pm
I am probably about to because this person posts absolute nonsense constantly and I don’t know them that well. I am fairly new to the facebook thing and I am not very impressed with it. It seems like a big waste of time to me. I suspect that all this social networking crap is a fad that will pass. There is no meaningful use for it.
Let's go Mountaineers
March 17th, 2009
2:24 pm
I have not defriended anyone yet but I have refused invitation from family and friends that can’t be bothered to have interaction with me in the real world. That is the good thing about having to approve your friends…you can filter them out before they make their way in kudzu.
Renee
March 17th, 2009
2:35 pm
There is a girl that I went to HS with that has asked me to be her friend 3 times on Facebook – I have hit the ignore button each time she asks. I don’t know her!!! I looked her up in my yearbook and I do recognize her, but we were never friends in “real life”. This girl has something like 500+ Facebook friends. Seems to me like she is collecting friends at this point. I like Facebook – but I want “real” friends online like I have real friends in life!
SpaceyG
March 17th, 2009
2:38 pm
I incorporate my Twitter stream into my Facebook. I post early and often, and I drop the “f” bomb too. Always helps to cull the herd of amateurs and people I could care less about. So no, I’m not terribly censorious, but others are. If they drop me, that’s a good thing, as it’s not like we’d ever be friends in real life. The brave ones who can stick it out, well… their rewards are many.
nypeach
March 17th, 2009
2:40 pm
I accepted a friend request from a guy who royally screwed a really good friend in business. I felt bad about not accepting the friend request and was trying to do the Christian thing. Plus, I’m over 40 and not crazy about the whole Facebook thing anyway. I’m really just getting used to it and am just only recently finding the fun in it all. Anyway, the guy thanked me profusely for confirming him as a friend. I don’t trust him and don’t want to talk to him, but then I think that’s holding a grudge and not a forgiving thing to do. He’s reached out to my friend who he double-crossed and has tried to make amends. Not sure what to do. Suggestions?
Chevy Lady
March 17th, 2009
2:41 pm
So I have a 15-year-old daughter and a boy that she calls a good friend sent me a friend request. I was very reluctant to add the kd to my friends list, but my daughter kept pestering me about it so I did. Then I noticed that 15-year-old boy uses A LOT foul language, so the next day I defriended him.
I really like that FB doesn’t let people know that they’ve been defriended, so I won’t feel bad about defriending some other useless “friends.”
nypeach
March 17th, 2009
2:45 pm
oh Chevy Lady, you have unwittingly answered my question. I will defriend at will!
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
March 17th, 2009
2:49 pm
I most definitely have removed friends on Facebook. I am only on Facebook to keep in touch with people, and all of my Facebook friends are people that I actually know and most I grew up with. I never accept friend requests from strangers, I am too old for a popularity contest and with so many psychos and criminals at each corner, if I don’t know you, how can we be friends? WTF?? I have also denied friend requests from people who I know have never liked me but just want to keep their nose in my business. I remove friends from Facebook as need be.
Sabera
March 17th, 2009
5:33 pm
I recently conducted a rareful ‘friend pruning’ exercise on Facebook. Most of these people I had met only a couple of times and never really had a chance to connect with. Many others were people who I was great friends with sometime in the past but who don’t bother keeping up the friendship any more. I see Facebook as a medium not just to keep in touch with friends but also as a gateway to network, help people and seek help from people and generally broaden your sphere. It was not happening with these people so I un-friended them. I haven’t see any ‘consequences’ so far
party pooper
March 19th, 2009
11:29 am
face book is for old fogies
cc03
March 21st, 2009
10:30 am
I have been on FB for about 5 months. I’ve mostly reconnected with people from my home town and from high school. I have not defriended anyone, but I have limited the posts I see from one person. He was posting random stupid information about 10-12 times a day. I got really annoyed, so now I only see his posts of I want to. I did ignore a friend request from the father of a girl I used to work with. I’ve never even met her dad, so I thought that was strange.
Stephanie
March 21st, 2009
10:44 am
What kills me about some people on facebook is that they send you a friend request, yet you were never friends to begin with! I don’t know how many requests I have gotten from people I went to high school with who wanted to add me, yet never spoke two words to me when we went to school together, buch less in the 20 years since we graduated. Are they still that stuck in the high school popularity mentality? Needless to say, they don’t get approved!!
krw
March 21st, 2009
10:53 am
I have defriended two people, one of which was somebody with a pretty common name. I thought we had gone to school together, ‘friended’ him and just sent a ‘hey, what’s up’ message. He responded, was all talk and I then realized that he wasn’t who I thought he was…it was a little embarassing so I just waited a few days and spinelessly defriended him, hoping that he didn’t realize what heppened. The other de-friending was just being a pain in the ass and was always posting crap and I thought it was time for him to check out of the site. I’m always amazed at the people that have hundreds of friends. I hit 100 recently and was shocked that I even knew that many people.
Chris Broe
March 21st, 2009
11:16 am
Just twitter, and everything will be fine.
Me
March 21st, 2009
11:32 am
I defriended a bunch folks (that had different political views than I)around the time Obama became President because I was sick of the crap they placed on in there status that appeared on my page for all my other friends to see. Certain things you just don’t make a public statement about. Now, one of those friends (who is a co-worker) keeps complaining because I defriended her…makes me not want to be her friend period…Others that I defriended have requested my friendship again and I accepted and all is well. We still don’t agree on politcal matters, but their view is not written all over my page anymore
Heather
March 21st, 2009
12:11 pm
Okay – I have de-friended almost everyone from my high school days. I had 100 friends and now I have like 30 – these 30 are the people that I actually want to know about on a daily basis. The other 70 were people from high school and we are just different people now. While it was cool seeing what they looked like and what they are up to – once that honeymoon was over (10 mins) – they just took up real estate on my facebook – and the people that I really care about – I hardly ever got to see what was going on with them. So now -when someone requests to be my friend – I always accept – and then 3 days letter – BAM – I quietly remove them. They saw me – I saw them – now we can go another 20 years without thinking of each other again – AWESOME!!
Chris
March 21st, 2009
12:37 pm
I have different standards for my friends on Facebook. My high school friends, the people I grew up with and the friends I made while I was in the military will always stay on my friend’s list. Now, I have a lot of college friends that will stay on there as well, but there are some who we became friends on Facebook just because we were in a class together. Outside of the class we never talked. We only used Facebook to communicate if we were in a group together or needed to get notes if we missed a class. Other than that, I had no reason to talk to the person. So, after the semester ends, I always cleanse my Facebook of these type of people.
Sonshine
March 21st, 2009
1:20 pm
i can’t remember ever ‘unfriending’ anyone; i have my page super private so only i or friends of friends can request me to be their friend …but i have totally been ‘unfriended’! it was hilarious! this girl and i were friends due to an affiliation with church…for a while..i mean at least 6-8 months we were friends…even commented back and forth with each other…then this guy (who is pretty well known in the church) becomes a social network user…it wasn’t until he and i became friends that i realized she had two profiles…so i asked her about the two profiles and after she explained how one was personal where the other was a more general…she ‘unfriended’ me! like i said hilarious! i didn’t think the question warranted an ‘unfriending’ but to each it’s own…i look at social networking as just that…a way too network…to get in touch and stay in touch with ppl you otherwise normally wouldn’t…not as some super secret relationship with friends…i mean it’s the world wide web! super secretness should take place in real time not through the internet…to all the ‘unfrienders’…i say either never make ppl you dnt know ur friends or lighten up, have fun and enjoy what online social networking has allowed us to do…diminish six degrees of separation down to three!
MRB
March 21st, 2009
2:04 pm
She hated me at work, she TOLD everyone at work that she hated me. She told people she was gonna get me fired. (ok I still work here and she is gone) Yet 2x on MySpace and now 3x on FB she wants to be my friend. I have ignored her so far, but am really just wanting to send a little note that says: didnt like you in real life, why on earth would we be friends in cyberspace???
friendster!
March 21st, 2009
2:37 pm
i hated my high school, and there were particular people that made my life he-ll while i was there. now they are coming back on facebook wanting to be fake friends and talking about how great facebook is for getting back in touch with old friends.
huh?
oh and the people that use facebook as a means to advertise their business. lame! guess what, there’s like a billion realtors out there! and don’t friend my friends so you can solicit business from them!!
don’t even get me started on co-workers. look, you get to see me all week long, like more than my real friends/family. leave my personal internet space alone!!
Big Juicy
March 21st, 2009
2:52 pm
Haven’t “unfriended” anybody but have been unfriended and that I found to be kinda’ awkward. You always wonder why? Why friend me in the first place? Did I say something, etc. I’d like to see facebook add a feature so that you could see who “unfriends” you; If you have the ballz to do it don’t be afraid for me to know you did it! FB is most desirable to those who lack or have some social deficiencies and feel more comfortable maintaining a plastic relationship on cyberspace. Sites like FB, MySpace. Twitter, etc. perpetuate this madness —
Sherri
March 21st, 2009
3:10 pm
I have “unfriended” one…my current (about to be former) landlord, because I have finally figured out that he is a totally nutcase, and could not imagine what kind of crap he would have posted when he received my thirty day notice that we were leaving.
Jim
March 21st, 2009
3:17 pm
I’ve defriended people before, usually because they post too much useless crap. I do like that facebook does not notify them they’ve been canned. I’ve never had anyone question being defriended.
Two notes: If you have someone who sends you multiple requests who just seems to be adding friends, go ahead and add them. It may be that you’ll find them interesting. If not, just wait a month, them dump them. Chances are, they’ll never notice. If they do, just point out that they hadn’t actually posted communicated anything, and that you reserve your facebook for close friends.
As for the person with the daughters friend on FB, I found one of my daughters former boyfriends had two myspaces, one for friends, one for parents. I found the friends one, and he was a freak-he’s no longer welcome in my house.
Most upsetting to me is a publication that my daughters get (unsolicited) from the national guard. I was reading one we got last summer, and found an article telling kids how to to set up a phony facebook account so you parent’s won’t see the “real” one. I don’t really appreciate them encouraging my kids to do that.
Tom
March 21st, 2009
3:40 pm
I was unfriended at behest of a jealous husband…don’t think I’d admit that someone could take my wife through Facebook.
momtoAlex&Max
March 21st, 2009
3:55 pm
JIM: wait a minute…are you telling me the NATIONAL GUARD is encouraging kids to do this? WHY??? So that they can send unsolicited recruiting e-mails and posts w/o you knowing about it?
That p***** me off BIG TIME!
JGrim
March 21st, 2009
3:58 pm
I am one that will befriend someone to see who they are….and if I don’t know them, immediately unfriend them. If I don’t know you, then why add you?
turnippatch
March 21st, 2009
4:54 pm
in the height of my facebook days i had over 200 friends. but then i started thinking, why do i have all these people that dont talk to me, i dont talk to them, and i could give two craps about. ive narrowed it down to just over 30 friends now. it is definately a whole lot easier to keep up with.
Tee in CSG
March 21st, 2009
4:56 pm
I just un-friended someone today. I don’t really know her and the things she post aren’t very flattering to her anyway, so I let her go. The majority of the people on my friend list are people I actually know.
FB person in need
March 21st, 2009
7:10 pm
Very well stated Heather…I’m off to pruning my fb friend’s list now… it will be liberating. Thank you Heather!
Gram
March 21st, 2009
9:55 pm
I’m 60 years old, and just started FB. I keep up with old h.s. buddies, family and friends this way. If someone I don’t know tries to get added, I merely decline. Better than accepting, then dumping. I know it’s usually for kids, but HEY…us oldies like to keep up with people, too!
GP
April 23rd, 2009
9:22 am
I want to remove all these people from high school who I never talked to then, and never talk to now. My only reservation is that you will eventually run into these same people and I dont want them to be offended.
Heartbroken
June 2nd, 2009
1:35 am
I either defriend someone on FB whom I either care too little or too much about. I know a guy whose own sister defriended him because she thought he was being a jerk. Yet, she is probably friends with 100 people who she never talks to. Very strange. Kind of wish FB never existed!
James T.
August 8th, 2009
6:00 pm
The un-friending situation seems to be a complete no win. If you don’t un-friend them (I’m talking about old love interests) then they are there to constantly to remind you of the past etc. If you do then they take as you want them to die or something… I unfriended someone that was dating someone else and they sent me a message 5 minutes later asking me if I had unfriended them. They must have been checking my profile etc.
PuppyLover
September 15th, 2009
1:41 pm
I have removed a person’s posting privileges after the person made multiple responses to almost every post of mine on my wall. You can fix getting updates from people who you decide post too often, but I have several high school people as friends and even the frequency of their posting doesn’t bother me. FB is for the sort of people you might forward one of those annoying funny emails to, in my humble opinion. I don’t ask to be removed from such email lists, as it would be less socially acceptable than just blocking emails from them or deleting their emails. Unfriending is very rude. It’s only happened to me once, by someone who was once a close friend (20 years ago) and truly owes me an explanation. If she only wanted 50 friends ever, why did she accept my invite to begin with? But now that I waste valuable brain power thinking about it, she was always that way, which is why we fell out of contact, I guess. Who knows what goes through people’s minds–? So why create drama and make someone wonder why you unfriended them? It’s just not worth the hurt feelings. Not to mention the fact that it’s selfish and rude. You can always keep the really personal posts for private emails. FB is supposed to be social networking, not social snubbery. As an aside, my dog has over 200 friends and has been receiving several requests each day for the few days she’s been on FB. The dog moms and dads I am now befriending are a lot more fun than “real people”! LOL
Dan
October 14th, 2009
8:34 pm
I just got finished “cleaning out” my list of friends recently, only because I seem to be invisible when I post anything – even if it’s a comment on someone else’s post OR when it’s something I post that I expect will get some feedback – let’s say, a personal video I uploaded or news story that I find interesting. There’s really only a few people on there that I regularly have two-way contact with on a regular basis – they got to stay on my list. Everyone else would rather either play APPS all the time and clog my “wall” with their scores, or I’m just on their friendlist more as a “number” than anyone they would actually have regular online conversations with. I thought that was kind of the point with social networking was to, well, be SOCIAL. I’m sure I’ll have a few of them try to re-friend me, but they’ll have to work harder to stay on that list. I don’t hear from ya within a couple weeks, and you’re gone, simple as that.