Is caregiving putting a strain on your marriage?
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If so, you’re not alone. According to a Caring.com study, eighty percent of baby boomers caring for an aging parent say that it has put a strain on their marriage. In some cases, the pressures of caregiving are so severe that it leads to the unfortunate demise of the relationship, with 25% of divorced baby boomers stating that caregiving played a major role in their divorce.
The reasons that caregiving can erode marital bliss are easily identifiable – the added financial burden, the stress of caring for an elderly parent, the time spent caring for aging parents reduces the amount of bonding time one has with their romantic partner, etc. Caring.com has consulted with “marriage doctors” who have offered their expert tips on coping with the challenges of caring for aging parents while maintaining and strengthening your marriage. Their advice includes:
- Talk openly with each other about feelings, emotions, and stresses as they relate to your care of aging parents.
- Approach all financial challenges with teamwork and open communication.
- Enhance your love relationship by providing each other occasional time for privacy and solitude.
Has your marriage been impacted by providing care for an elderly relative? What steps have you taken to nurture your romantic relationship while still being a good caregiver?
10 comments Add your comment
Tyson
June 8th, 2010
11:00 pm
I agree with Caryln about the strain it will cause and perhaps find them asenior living facility / assisted living facility to help.
For help with your search for an assisted living facility check out silvercensus.com!
Carlyn
April 17th, 2010
12:08 pm
So very true. I know that beyond marriage it can place a huge strain on immediate and extended family relations as well. Thanks for your post
Carlyn
http://www.silvercensus.com
Macj, Jr.
March 4th, 2009
4:07 pm
I have heard several stories about how caregiving has taken a toll on marriages, jobs and finances. No matter how easy one may think it is, it turns out to be a burden they later realize is a life changing “full-time job”. With the families that my family has helped, you would not realize the amount of thanks that we get for the things that we do. Not only offering 24hr caregiving service, but also the adult day-care and respite care that we offer just gives a well deserved “break” to the family caregivers that need it. I know it is very difficult for the families that do take the time to care for their loved ones and you all must know that it does not go unnoticed in the eyes of God and in the eyes of your peers. My family built an assisted living facility here in Atlanta about 8 years ago. The inspiration for us building this facility was my great Aunt who at the time was 88. We were blessed with the opportunity to do something like this and offer our services to the Atlanta community. Please feel free to visit our website of call with an general questions.
Mack, Jr
http://www.summersetalc.com
404-443-5444
steve
March 4th, 2009
3:16 pm
my mother is 80 with alzheimers and is living with us also my daughter in law and 2yr and 4yr old grandsons live with us ,due to my sons army deployment{101st airborne]we both work and have been married for 32tears. my sisters live nearby and help with getting mom to the doctor. my wife ang I try to keep things as normal as possible between us. but it is still very difficult,our children were both married and we were empty nesters for about two years,this has all developed over the last 6 months, so I really can;t give any good advice,we are still learning. good luck to all.
Pamela
March 4th, 2009
2:36 pm
I am presently caring my mother who has lived with us for almost 10 years. She has recently become ill and four of my younger sisters (I have 5) have decided to make it a competition to see who loves her the most. They want to visit and they cry and baby her, but they don’t stick around for the hard stuff and never have. Prior to her being sick, they would not even call her from Friday night until Monday morning. Without the support of my husband, I couldn’t handle this. This is the hardest situation I have ever been in.
Frustrated
March 4th, 2009
2:34 pm
my husband’s mother is very needy. she has no major medical problems and is very active in her mid 80’s and she has a lot of family and friends around some living right next to her but she is constantly on the phone to everyone telling them how lonely she is and is very demanding. the adult children cannot go on vacations with their spouses or children as she makes everyone feel guilty and says she wishes she could go although most of the family is with her 24/7. she has caused a lot of problems with the spouses and in the marriage of her children with her demands and meanness. she uses her medications which are few to control the family, she will go off them and then demand they come and help her and she won’t listen to her doctors. its very frustrating for the adult children and their spouses and even the grandchildren are feeling the pressure to visit more than they already do which is quite often. we used to go to her house which is at least a two hour drive for many of us almost every week but it still wasn’t enough for her and she would complain when we left or if we wanted to spend time with our our children and spouses famlies. its gotten to the point that many of us make up excuses to not see her because whenever we do she whines and complains and wants us to spend the night or come back the next weekend. us adult children would really like some time with our own children and spouses but she calls constantly and complains about being alone although there is some one with her everyday. she does not have alzeheimers or dementia so that is not the issue. i think its about control.
YANCY
March 4th, 2009
12:07 pm
I took care of my elderly father until he died and I have a husband and at the time a young daughter as well.It was hard and I had little or no help but my husband stood by me and did what he could for my father. It’s not a fun situation to be in.
Pam Bonner
March 4th, 2009
11:52 am
My mother, who lived 2 1/2 hours from us, fought cancer for 4 1/2 years. I spent many, many days there … one time I was there for 8 weeks coming home only for 4 days in that time period. My husband and my teen-age sons were wonderfully supportive and did everything they could to help me be able to care for my mom. Any feelings of guilt (and there were some on occassion) were self imposed. They loved my mom deeply and wanted her to receive the most loving care possible. Because they believed I was the person who could best provide that care, we were in it as a family. It created a deeper love for my husband and an appreciation for what a wonderful gift they gave me … the gift of helping my mom to live until she died.
Carol D. O'Dell
March 4th, 2009
11:33 am
Like much of life, it’s how we perceive it that matters. I brought my mom into my home for the last almost three years of my life–and I was married and had three daughters–and I felt like I was the emotional barometer for everyone. As “mom,” I wanted to make sure everyone was doing okay–and yes, at times this took a toll on my marriage. Both my husband and I made sure we thought and acted as a team. He was my release. A big hug from him at the end of the day–lasting two or three minutes set so much right in my soul.
We created “couch time,” at the end of each day–we’d pitch in to help with my mom or the kids or chores, but at 10pm, our goal was to meet on the couch. We snuggle, watch tv, read or talk–and just knowing that we’d at least get a half hour before we’d doze off gave us something to look forward to.
Hope this helps–I know firsthand what a challenge it is–and perceiving our marriage as a haven of safety and release can make a big difference.
~Carol O’Dell
Author, Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
http://www.mothering-mother.com
Gail
March 4th, 2009
11:07 am
My husband passed away and I am now taking care of his parents. Both cannot walk without assistance and they need help in all aspects of their lives. I also work full time and have 2 sons in college and a teenage daughter. I am losing so much patience with them and I am not usually that kind of person. I cannot imagine having somebody in my life at this point and I feel very resentful. They will not let anybody take care of them but me or my kids…..NO assisted living or nursing home for them….they say. It is hard and I wish my husband were here to handle some of this mess.