To those who offered support and advice, thank you as well. This is exactly what we hope to do with this online community, is to have an active and vocal group that can offer the emotional support and practical advice so important in difficult times.

I am an only child and my father moved in with us nearly 2 years ago. It is great having him around. Fortunately he had planned financially for his future so we are presently able to pay 3 ladies to stay with him while hubby and I work. However, to get these ladies we had to pay cash so nothing is deductible. If we wanted to “payroll” them the price would double at a minimum to cover all the other stuff. Also, 2 of the three are on restricted / monitored incomes so they have to work off the books. Too bad that’s the way things are today. Yes, I know about the liability, but these women are as warm and caring as any family member could be and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. We will continue in this manner until he either passes away, he has to go to a skilled care facility or we lose our help. It’s very expensive but cheaper than a care facility and hubby and I really do enjoy having him at home.

Even with the help, this is the most stressful thing I have ever done. It is like having an 83 year old willful child. Most of the time he’s just fine but he gets cranky and fussy and wants all the attention. He takes over the main TV (even though he has his own TV in his room) and we are expeced to watch only the shows he wants to see. It’s not easy to try to “correct” the person who “corrected” you all those years ago. The short-term memory is gone so when you advise them that something cannot or should not be done they won’t recall it later (like giving treats to the dog that could harm the dog – sugarfree candy can be poisonous to pets). They often think they have earned the right to make unreasonable demands. Thankfully, this is not the case with my Dad but my friends are experiencing this issue.

The single biggest problem we have encountered is helpful family and friends. In our case, it is family. They all live “away” (out of state) and they think they know how to handle every little issue that comes up. Then you end up with snitty little phone calls and emails questioning every decision you make, so you not only need to manage your senior but also those who have access to them. And the “away” folks will believe anything the senior tells them – regardless of the truth. They will even question the doctors’ decisions based on Internet research or what someone told them. I have a situation where an “away” doesn’t believe Dad’s cardiologist who said Dad did not have a heart attack and is sharing her opinion with all the friends and family in her circle. Since she was a practicing RN years ago, they all believe her and not me. Guess she went on to med school and I missed it?

Your life revolves around your senior. Their schedule becomes yours. If they can’t travel, you are expected to stay home 24/7-365. The family / friends will guilt the heck out of you if you want to take a break with your spouse – for a few hours or a few days – and heaven knows you will need some kind of respite, even in the best of relationships. But these caring folks do not / will not / cannot take your senior for a while and it is hard to be patient with the “aways” who have never had this experience but still want to tell you what to do.

All these issues notwithstanding, I wouldn’t change anything. Do I get crabby? You bet. I can be as selfish as the next person. I have a high-stress job that I love and that my Dad is very proud of me for keeping. I am trying very hard to provide the best situation I can for an active man who may be having the best day of the rest of his life today. We never know. I am blessed to have a great husband who is very helpful. I have a good support team of friends – some of whom are walking the same path as I am. This is a very important coping mechanism. We share challenges and solutions, and it is nice to be able to vent to someone who has a better grasp of the situation.

So I do understand how it can be difficult – especially if you have family and friends telling you what to do but not helping you at all. Be creative in your solutions. Talk with your local council on aging. Talk with social workers at the hospital. Keep smiling and be positive. Give your resource team a fine reputation to live up to and they’ll probably rise to the occasion. I have found that they will help caregivers who try to stay upbeat and not complain. And sometimes what you have is the best it’s going to get. So you have to be OK with that, too. But if you do the very best you can, you can be proud of what you accomplish – however small it may be. Good luck & God bless.

I would NOT allow my mother to live like that at all. She raised and cared for you, now you need to give back. Why is this so difficult to understand?

I don’t mean to be judgemental, but some of the posters on this blog sound so heartless. You’ll hope YOUR children don’t treat you like old garbage when you get old or infirm. One thing is certain: if you live long enough, you’re gonna get old (and sometimes ill).

Kimi, while I do feel badly for what you are experiencing in your situation, I would hope you can have some compassion. Put yourself in your MIL’s place, what would you want? Seek assistance through the United Way or Senior Connections — they can guide you in making the right decision for your family and for your MIL. If she is an “active” senior (not requiring r-t-c nursing care), she could live in a seniors community. Most charge rent based on the resident’s income. It would give dear MIL her own space, new friends, and activities — and also give your family the space you require. Good luck.

God bless us all.