Welcome to Caring & Sharing
Clipart.com
Currently, there are approximately 37 million senior citizens in the U.S. In Georgia, approximately 10 percent of the population is 65 or older, and our senior population will only continue to grow.
Baby boomers are the largest health care consumer group in the country, and because of their access to modern medicine, this group can expect longer life expectancies than previous generations. Because of this trend, senior housing options have expanded greatly, especially in the metro Atlanta area.
As current or future caregivers, we encourage you to learn about the variety of senior housing and caregiving options available, and give your feedback on what has worked in your own family. We welcome your stories about the joys and struggles of caring for an aging loved one. We hope you will find Caring & Sharing a great resource, as well as a valuable part of your support system.
What senior living issues concern you the most? Is it the cost of senior housing and senior care, or do you worry about being able to provide care for aging relatives in your own home? Let us know and we will cover the topics in future blog posts.
14 comments Add your comment
Bob
October 21st, 2008
9:07 am
My mom was still working at a department store and living at the same home where she had lived for around 60 years. She felt dizzy one afternoon at work. The next day she went two doctors… one a cardiologist who set up an exam at the hospital for the next morning. I wanted her to go strait down to Emory or to at least let me stay with her. My daughter lives next door so I thought she could at least call if she had an emergency so I agreed… after all she was a working adult with all of her wits.
When I arrived the next morning to take her for the exam I found her passed out on the floor. She had a stroke sometime between around 10 p.m. when I left her home and just before 7 a.m. when I made it back.
She is now confined to a wheel chair and can’t use her right side to write, talk, or walk. After keeping her in HER home for about 18 months and taking her to adult day care, my own health began to suffer.
Because mom was working until her stroke and was STILL saving at the time, she has had very little government assistance. She is now in a nursing home (paying all costs herself). The only reason
that I mention this is to beg those who in their golden years to do something NOW to make sure you can reach help in the event of an emergency. It doesn’t matter how close help may be if you have no way to reach them. A telephone may not get it. Your choice could be senior housing. It could be living at your home with someone else or with some type of call alert that you can wear even in the shower. If you value your independence protect it for as long as you can. Mom loves people and while I visit every day and she is with a caring staff I’m sure (especially with her inability to speak) that she doesn’t socialize to the extent that she would like. A nursing home can cost $6,000 or more per month NOT to mention prescription medication, etc. It’s cheaper to find emergency communications now… and to not take any chances if you feel signs of a stroke or heart attack. That extra night in a hospital is a lot cheaper than the costs you could incur if you don’t.
Kimi
October 21st, 2008
9:31 am
My mother in law just moved in with us and it’s been overwhelming. She craves constant attention and is draining us financially, we were already living paycheck to paycheck before she got here and God forbid if one of us loses our job. I mistakenly invited her to “visit” our home four months ago and now she won’t leave.
We were lucky to find a home health aide who is good and my mother in law seems to like her, but the cost of the aide is siphoning all of her money. My mother in law has hardly anything to contribute to our household financially, and nothing to contribute mentally, physcially or emotionally. All she is doing is running up bills that we already can’t afford to pay before her “visit”, and I’m becoming resentful and don’t know if my marriage will last. I don’t know how we’re going to pay our bills with winter/heating coming up. We are blessed that we all get to eat a meal every day, but she always wants more food that she ends up wasting and throwing out which drives me crazy. I don’t know what to do. I have tried the community care services program, but they want her to turn over her all assets to medicare and her greedy children (my husband included unfortunately) don’t want to do that. I say use her assets (which ain’t much don’t get me wrong) so she can receive the care she needs, but particularly the siblings that are NOT caring for her refuse to do this.
We’ve even stooped so low as to apply for food stamps and I was totally embarassed to be even in there applying for ANYTHING. Her other children don’t care about her, have used her social security number for all types of “stuff”, my husband is the only one who has always tried to do the right thing by her.
I’m sure I will get blasted as being a selfish biitch for this post, but you know what it feels good just to be able to say it out loud for a change.
Peta
October 21st, 2008
9:56 am
Kimi, I certainly understand where you are coming from.. I had somewhat of a similar situation.. MY mother took in her sister who has MS. It was beyond overwhelming. I had to leave my household (husband and 2 kids, plus pregnant with 3rd) to go to my mother’s house to help her care for my Aunt. It got so bad that we could not lift her anymore and ended up having to put her in a home and turning over her asset to Medicare. The home is better equiped to care for her since they have round the clock aides and lifting equipment. My advice: Sit your husband down and lay all the cards on the table. Do some research on Assistant living homes here in Atlanta. (there is usually a waiting list). Tell him you genuinely care about his mother and want the best possible care for her. Suggest to him that he has a family meeting with his other sibblings so that they can talk about ways to share the burden. (Hopefully they are in the same city or close proximity). Maybe she can spend three months with you, 3 months with another sibling and so forth. (The key is that you approach your husband with solutions so that you are not labelled as the nagging wife). Communicate to him that this is affecting your marriage which you value. This conversation needs to take place away from your mother-in-law. If he is not receptive you may have to seek the conselling with a third party . Last but not least..PRAY and ask GOD to show you the way and for Him to resolve the situation.
Kimi I wish you the best.. Peta
Cindy
October 21st, 2008
10:50 am
Remember these are the ones who supported US when we were young and unable to make decisions on our own. I am sure there are some of us out there whose parents were broke but they did the best they could. It’s our turn to take care of them. So suck it up and deal with it.
JDJ
October 21st, 2008
11:00 am
You have my FULL SYMPATHY!!! My mother, bless her heart, is in “memory care” in assisted living now — I tried to take care of her myself when my dad suddenly passed away. I lost 45 pounds in 4 months — it was a living hell to say the very least. I don’t know how my dad stood it; I wish he had asked for some respite cuz he certainly deserved it. Please don’t let you MIL take your life away, it can easily happen! Your hubby must take you seriously, and soon!
sharon
October 21st, 2008
11:50 am
kimi there is nothing selfish about your thoughts.
Loving Daughter
October 21st, 2008
12:08 pm
The only way I’d put my mother or father in a nursing home is if it became completely impossible for me to care for them — and even then, the nursing home would have to be close enough for me to go see them every day. As a child (and even into young adulthood), my parents made many, many sacrifices for me. Anything I can do soften their golden years or ease their fears and worries as they enter the twilight of thier final days/weeks/months/years — I’m willing to do. Period.
I don’t mean to be judgemental, but some of the posters on this blog sound so heartless. You’ll hope YOUR children don’t treat you like old garbage when you get old or infirm. One thing is certain: if you live long enough, you’re gonna get old (and sometimes ill).
Kimi, while I do feel badly for what you are experiencing in your situation, I would hope you can have some compassion. Put yourself in your MIL’s place, what would you want? Seek assistance through the United Way or Senior Connections — they can guide you in making the right decision for your family and for your MIL. If she is an “active” senior (not requiring r-t-c nursing care), she could live in a seniors community. Most charge rent based on the resident’s income. It would give dear MIL her own space, new friends, and activities — and also give your family the space you require. Good luck.
God bless us all.
H C
October 21st, 2008
12:52 pm
kimi, if it were your mother, what would your response be? Would you want your husband to be more understanding? I have done it for both of my grandparents. It is not easy but sacrifices were made for the people who sacrificed for me. I had to live at my grandmother, give up most of my life to do so and care for her and make sure everything such doctors appts. bills, food, and her appearance was maintained. All of this while working 2 jobs, going to school full time etc. I did not know how I was going to do it but it had to be done. Family and her friends that were still able helped out with washing clothes, spending time, preparing food. It was not easy but if I had to do it again I still would. When she died she died very happy because her family was extremely good to her and she never had a care to worry about. This was done because she looked out for everyone as long as she could. We will be old one day and the real question is who will look out for us. Planning and sitting down with other family members to brainstorm is very key. I wish you guys well in this endeavor.
Bill Clontz
October 21st, 2008
1:55 pm
My 93 year old mother lives alone and refuses to move into a smaller place where she could live so much more comfortably. She really needs someone to come by and check on her and do some house work, but isn’t willing to let someone come into her home. What should the family do? Should we abide by her wishes or shoulf we force the issue ? Her house is all cluttered, she has roaches, and her stove and hot water heater are messed up. Her bathroom is not suitable for her as she has trouble getting around without a walker. Please help!
Cindy
October 21st, 2008
2:33 pm
Bill, the family should all pitch in. She doesn’t want to give up her home or her independance. Offer to go help her clean, go mow her lawn, you can spray for bugs. I am sure, at her age, she does not want any strangers in her house, especially the ones that will come in and rip her off.
I would NOT allow my mother to live like that at all. She raised and cared for you, now you need to give back. Why is this so difficult to understand?
Peta
October 21st, 2008
2:46 pm
Bill ,While I certainly understand your grandmother wanting her independence.. It is time for you and the family to step in and take charge.. At her age she may not be operating in the right frame of mind which is limiting her rational and decision making.. Hypothetically speaking, if something was to happen to her (Lord forbid a slip in the bathroom) how would you and the family feel knowing that you could prevent such a thing. I am not sure of your Budget, however here are some suggestions:
- Hire a Private Nurses Aide that can serve as a live in help for a few days per week. This aide could serve as a companion, and do light housecleaning. (be sure to get references)
- Someone needs to move in with her immediately or
- She could move in with different family members on a rotating basis.
You guys decide.. However it should be a decison all the members of the family make and take forth to her. Do it before anything unfortunate happens..
Lindao
October 21st, 2008
4:55 pm
Until you have had a disabled senior living with you, you can’t really understand how the family dynamic changes. It’s easy to say what you would do but in reality it is totally different.
I am an only child and my father moved in with us nearly 2 years ago. It is great having him around. Fortunately he had planned financially for his future so we are presently able to pay 3 ladies to stay with him while hubby and I work. However, to get these ladies we had to pay cash so nothing is deductible. If we wanted to “payroll” them the price would double at a minimum to cover all the other stuff. Also, 2 of the three are on restricted / monitored incomes so they have to work off the books. Too bad that’s the way things are today. Yes, I know about the liability, but these women are as warm and caring as any family member could be and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. We will continue in this manner until he either passes away, he has to go to a skilled care facility or we lose our help. It’s very expensive but cheaper than a care facility and hubby and I really do enjoy having him at home.
Even with the help, this is the most stressful thing I have ever done. It is like having an 83 year old willful child. Most of the time he’s just fine but he gets cranky and fussy and wants all the attention. He takes over the main TV (even though he has his own TV in his room) and we are expeced to watch only the shows he wants to see. It’s not easy to try to “correct” the person who “corrected” you all those years ago. The short-term memory is gone so when you advise them that something cannot or should not be done they won’t recall it later (like giving treats to the dog that could harm the dog – sugarfree candy can be poisonous to pets). They often think they have earned the right to make unreasonable demands. Thankfully, this is not the case with my Dad but my friends are experiencing this issue.
The single biggest problem we have encountered is helpful family and friends. In our case, it is family. They all live “away” (out of state) and they think they know how to handle every little issue that comes up. Then you end up with snitty little phone calls and emails questioning every decision you make, so you not only need to manage your senior but also those who have access to them. And the “away” folks will believe anything the senior tells them – regardless of the truth. They will even question the doctors’ decisions based on Internet research or what someone told them. I have a situation where an “away” doesn’t believe Dad’s cardiologist who said Dad did not have a heart attack and is sharing her opinion with all the friends and family in her circle. Since she was a practicing RN years ago, they all believe her and not me. Guess she went on to med school and I missed it?
Your life revolves around your senior. Their schedule becomes yours. If they can’t travel, you are expected to stay home 24/7-365. The family / friends will guilt the heck out of you if you want to take a break with your spouse – for a few hours or a few days – and heaven knows you will need some kind of respite, even in the best of relationships. But these caring folks do not / will not / cannot take your senior for a while and it is hard to be patient with the “aways” who have never had this experience but still want to tell you what to do.
All these issues notwithstanding, I wouldn’t change anything. Do I get crabby? You bet. I can be as selfish as the next person. I have a high-stress job that I love and that my Dad is very proud of me for keeping. I am trying very hard to provide the best situation I can for an active man who may be having the best day of the rest of his life today. We never know. I am blessed to have a great husband who is very helpful. I have a good support team of friends – some of whom are walking the same path as I am. This is a very important coping mechanism. We share challenges and solutions, and it is nice to be able to vent to someone who has a better grasp of the situation.
So I do understand how it can be difficult – especially if you have family and friends telling you what to do but not helping you at all. Be creative in your solutions. Talk with your local council on aging. Talk with social workers at the hospital. Keep smiling and be positive. Give your resource team a fine reputation to live up to and they’ll probably rise to the occasion. I have found that they will help caregivers who try to stay upbeat and not complain. And sometimes what you have is the best it’s going to get. So you have to be OK with that, too. But if you do the very best you can, you can be proud of what you accomplish – however small it may be. Good luck & God bless.
Joy Johnston
October 21st, 2008
6:22 pm
Thanks to everyone who took the time to share their personal stories and experiences. There are many important topics and issues that have been raised by your comments, and we will cover those in future Caring and Sharing posts.
To those who offered support and advice, thank you as well. This is exactly what we hope to do with this online community, is to have an active and vocal group that can offer the emotional support and practical advice so important in difficult times.
Jennifer Hines, CNA, AD, Chairperson for CNA on the Move
November 11th, 2008
10:08 pm
I would like to share a special place that will allow caregiver some relief of the mental/physical strain of caring for our older adults. Their is a service call The Respite House. A program design with caregivers in mind. The Respite House provide temporary relief from caring for our older adults and allow skilled Certifed Nursing Assistants to Care for your older adult. The Respite House provide weekend, holiday, vacation, or emergency stay so you and the rest of the family may travel. I designed this program after working for an Adult Day Service and Reading about the Night Mare on Nursing Home Street. As a caregiver everyone needs a break sometime. In order to continue to provide Quality Care to our Love ones.
Call Jennifer 404 438 6676